Today I just want to give a big “fuck you all.” I’m over this.
we are all part of something bigger than ourselves.
There is beauty in everything,
You just have to look for it.
UM HI. Just need this in a couple of years, please.
What can I say? I’m not even the least bit surprised.
I have decided, out of purely therapeutic reasons, to write a blog once a week about something I am going to accept in my life. Here goes nothing.
ONE. I have struggled for years over being with someone that everyone believes to be gay. I guess it is hard for people to accept that because I am with someone who isn’t the common “macho” man, who doesn’t play video games or watch sports very often, must mean he’s gay. Because he has such a deep respect for me and my happiness, because he listens, because he understands, because he’s sensitive, because he’s weird… it must mean he is gay. Surely they think I am only a convenience factor. I wonder if that ever crosses a mind when they ask him, or ask me, if he is gay. I wonder if they think I must be stupid for falling into that trap. I wonder if they think he is stupid for trying to kid himself. I wonder how much they could possibly know about him to think that. I wonder if they care either way. For me, the repercussions of being thought of as a convenience factor is more than I can bare. I hurt for him, and I hurt for myself. That may seem selfish, because it his him that is questioned in sexuality. But it means pain for me because of foolish people who succumb every day to social expectations. It means pain for me in believing I am only a convenience, that this man couldn’t actually love me but chooses to keep me around just for the sake of a cover. It means pain for me over our relationship. And it has been deep struggle that comes and goes as the years go by.
I’m choosing to accept that people think he is gay. For far too long I have let what other people think influence me to such a degree that its mentally impairing. I love him, and he loves me, despite what anyone else thinks. They do not know him. They do not know our relationship. And they certainly do not have the decency to keep it to themselves. I’m choosing to accept it, because I won’t let it weigh us down anymore. And who gives a fuck, anyway? I am happy. And I am loved. I honestly feel sorry for whoever challenges that.
Marilyn Monroe in 1950